Points at which new recipes lost me…

     I like to fancy myself a pretty good cook.  But, it wasn’t always this way.  When I was freshly divorced in my early 30s, I struggled to put dinner on the table three times a week when my daughters came over.  But then, I discovered the delightful, frozen children’s meals, Kid Cuisine!  There are currently seven varieties of these meals: everything from “Pizza Painter Cheese Pizza,” to “Twist and Twirl Spaghetti with Mini Meat Balls,” to three different species of “SpongeBob SquarePants” meals that seem to involve two incarnations of chicken and one of macaroni.  The alarming thing I discovered while writing this is there are also twelve discontinued varieties, including the unappealingly named “Bug Safari Chicken Breast Nuggets.”  Wikipedia doesn’t say why these twelve were discontinued, but I’m concerned that many of them sound familiar.

     Living in the Kid Cuisine fool’s paradise for about a month, it finally dawned on me these probably weren’t the healthiest meals I could provide… in fact, I became concerned I was possibly poisoning my own children.  I understood at the time there were laws about that kind of thing.  So, I went out and bought a used paperback Better Homes and Gardens New Cookbook, tenth edition.  Learning to cook terrified me.  To avoid hyperventilating, I kept repeating, “You have a Master’s Degree in education!  You teach reading!  You can do this!  All you have to do is read and follow directions.”  So, I started with one new recipe a week, and over time, have developed quite a repertoire.

     Nowadays, I usually read the recipe section in the newspaper, but sometimes I find their offerings ridiculous.  I am not the kind of cook who delights in the exotic or the hard-to-find ingredient.  So I thought it might be fun to share some actual quotes from recipes where they lost me:

• “Use a Spoonful of Shrimp Paste When You Can’t Find Anchovies.” — Oh yes, let me find that jar of lovely shrimp paste I keep in the refrigerator door.  Do people really keep shrimp paste on hand?!

• “Cover and refrigerate for at least 1 hour and up to 4 days to let the mixture marinate.”  — You know, you might get an hour of marinating out of me, but you can forget even one day, much less four.  If I tried to marinate something for four days, what would really happen is I would forget about it until the odor of the rot from the refrigerator reminded me.

• “These shrimp burgers are bursting with flavor thanks to kimchi.”  — Even the thought of shrimp burgers, much less shrimp burgers combined with Korean kimchi is certainly enough to make me burst, but not quite how they meant.

• “If you don’t have an extractor, puree the fruits together in a blender, then strain through a fine-mesh strainer lined with cheesecloth” — As you may have guessed, I do not have an extractor… and on my blender, only the first few buttons work… the purée button is clear to the right… and I don’t have a fine-mesh strainer… and there’s no way I’m going out to look for cheesecloth.  I think we’re done here. 

• “Fresh cilantro leaves with tender stems” — At my Walmart, I’m lucky to get cilantro and not get it mixed up with parsley.  I’m not about to start cultivating a new “tender stem” requirement.

• “You’ll need a 3-inch doughnut cutter and a small cutter for the center holes; we found in testing that you’ll have fewer scraps to reroll when you use a square cutter or a sharp knife and a ruler to measure 3-inch squares.”  — This all started out as fun and games; I mean who doesn’t like doughnuts?  First, are there really outer and inner doughnut cutters?  Where would I buy something like that?  And second, doesn’t it kind of take the fun out of it, not to mention it’s kind of OCD, if you feel you have to use a ruler to measure your doughnuts?

• “1 tablespoon fresh ginger grated on a microplane grater” — Okay, I might be able to find fresh ginger, but I’m not sure I even know what a microplane grater is.  You’ll be lucky to get the standard ground ginger you find in the grocery store cooking section, and yeah, it’ll probably be generic.

• “Beat in egg yolk, salt, vanilla seeds and orange blossom water 1 cup/225 grams unsalted butter (2 sticks), preferably cultured (European-style)” — All right, wait just one dang crockpot minute!  I’m supposed to find vanilla seeds and have orange blossom water on hand?  And what exactly is cultured, European-style butter?  Is it just American butter with an accent or does it also have to have an advanced degree and be well-traveled?!

• “Kimchi Pancake” — You know, I couldn’t even get past the title of this recipe.  It’s really bad when just the title kicks in your gag reflex.

     By now, I’m sure you can see why my favorite cookbook on the shelf in the kitchen is entitled 5 ingredients/15 minutes.  Besides, I used to think I liked to cook, but I've learned over the years what I really like is cooking while a bunch of friends are in the kitchen with me drinking wine and talking.  Bon appétit!